Exam Results 2018 + Group Chat fights

Ok so I’ll get to the results at the end of this post because there’s been stuff that I kinda need to get off of my chest because nobody knows except the people involved and I’m dying so yea 😀

Basically, I don’t really trust group chats (see my march/april 2016 archive about why), and until very recently, I’ve only had them with my closest friends. A few of us are very mentally unstable (me included hehe) but normally we’re very nice to each other.

So basically we ship a bunch of people on this group chat and one girl wrote a really long paragraph about how we should stop. (Keep in mind, I spend a lot of time making logos and descriptions for this group chat and a new one was created and nobody texts on the one I made and spent time on) I got really mad, mainly because of the new group chat and the fact that we couldn’t really ship anymore. I started tossing in middle finger emojis and smiley faces because at that point I was on a bunch of pills, very depressed, on my period (which means mood swings), and also very sleep-deprived so my mind was completely out of whack. I mentioned several times that I was in a very bad place and having a mental breakdown. Normally, if someone has a mental breakdown, we write really long essay posts about how much we love and care about them. This time, I got told to stop being a child and to go to my parents. (Also keep in mind I barely ever have breakdowns like this) I couldn’t really go to my parents because my mom wasn’t home or answering her phone and my dad doesn’t really care and gets mad when I get depressed. I said I couldn’t, only to get a ‘sorry but we can’t really do anything’ response. Bear in mind that we are very very very close friends and I haven’t really had a friendship group like this. Even though nobody was really there I started crying and after I had a shower, came back to people leaving the chat and refusing to talk to me. One girl who said I should stop being childish posted on her status (it was on WhatsApp) ‘I’ve had enough of social media’ which kinda infuriated me. I basically was looking at sad quotes until like 11pm (aka 3 hours) and crying my eyes out. I also grabbed my scissors and self-harmed 😀 I haven’t told anyone, not even my friends that weren’t yelling at me but helping me. I haven’t told my parents either or school because I get told that I’m being ‘silly’, so I normally talk to my friends. At school, the two girls who were yelling at me to stop being childish weren’t talking to me, one girl who is abusive (I call her that lol) was really mad at me, so I kinda just wanted to go home and cry my eyes out but my dad was at home and would intuitively ask what’s wrong. As of now it hasn’t been resolved but my anxiety is convincing me that they hate me and my friendships are cut off which terrifies me. So yea, really happy stuff 😀

Anyway, exam results!! 😀

I’ve been wanting to write these ever since exam week (last week) but we had to wait a week for results because we review the papers in lessons. I’m also going to be doing a percentage difference from last year and averages from this and last year.

Spanish – 87% (No difference as I only started it this year)
Spanish Oral – 88% (No difference as I only started it this year)
Math (Non Calculator) – 88% (-3%)
Math (Calculator) – 84% (-2%)
French – 90% (+0%)
French Oral – 96% (+12%)
English (Creative Writing) – 93% (-2%)
English (Comprehension) – 75% (-20%)
Geography – 67% (-9%)
History – 66% (-13%)
Religious Studies – 92% (+11%)
Music – 85% (+0%)
Biology – 75% (+6%)
Physics – 78% (+0%)
Chemistry – 83% (+5%)

Average (Year 7) – 84%
Average (Year 8) – 83% (-1%)

This is actually quite eye-opening because I thought my grades were really bad and worse than last years but the average has only gone down 1% lol. (And the average in Year 7 was 83.5 but I rounded it up)

Anyways thanks for listening to my ramblings and exam results 🙂

Chaio!

~bloggerofthebloggish 🙂

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Social Anxiety Tings

Ok, so most of you probably know that I have generalised anxiety disorder (apparently that’s what it’s called) and I’m in therapy (woo) but I haven’t necessarily been diagnosed with social anxiety. I feel like I do have it though because I have a bunch of symptoms and I have anxiety so maybe I do? Read these mental notes about little things that occur when I go anywhere that involves humans, and decide for yourselves.

  • I don’t avoid going out yet I always do it with someone I know can operate around somewhere I’ve never been
  • Whenever I walk past someone I pull out my phone but I literally don’t do anything except unlocking it
  • When I walk I usually have pretty vivid daydreams yet all of them get put on halt when I walk past someone because my energy has to be diverted on that
  • If I take more than .2 seconds getting whatever out of my bag I feel very very embarrassed and get to the point of tears, yet I don’t want to cry because idk
  • I purposely take longer walking routes just to avoid crowds
  • Even when I’m at home/in my garden, I am very quiet and feel judged unless I have music in to distract myself from the noises I make
  • When I’m at school, I’m very sociable and obnoxious around my friends, but as soon as class starts, I shroud myself in a bubble
  • DEAR TEACHERS: If you call on me and I get the wrong answer (even if I volunteered) and you tell me LOUDLY then I will remember it for weeks, maybe even months or years (my school reads my blog lol)
  • The thought of eating alone terrifies me, not because I won’t have anyone to talk to,  but because I have to find an area away from people so I won’t look like I’m intruding their conversation
  • I stress for days if none of my friends are free to eat lunch with me
  • I turn my music down when I walk past someone, even though my earbuds never give off sound anyway
  • If someone’s in front of me when I’m walking, I have to make a mental countdown, get my phone out and look casual just to walk past
  • When I’m in a shop alone and I have to pay, I muster up the courage for at least 5-10 minutes to go pay
  • Because I’m quite musical, my music teacher is pushing me to be in solos but the thought terrifies me, even though I do fine
  • I never go anywhere I’m not familiar with alone

So those are my little social anxiety tings. Let me know if these are symptoms because idk 🙂

Chaio!

~bloggerofthebloggish 🙂

The Note (& other stuff)

I really need to get this off my chest, so sorry if this offends you but my mental health has been really bad and I’m literally about to collapse and cry from all the stuff going on, so if this concerns you then please don’t read on please.

The Note

Ok so in England we have school exams from Yr7-10 to prepare us for GCSE and A level exams. We have 3 exams a day with revision breaks after each exam. Today, we had French Oral, English Language and Physics. French Oral was a 2-hour slot but it takes like 3 minutes per person to do their oral. We did it in register order, and I’m like 5th in the register so mine was done pretty quickly. I didn’t bring revision stuff because a) no and b) I was v lazy the night before with packing. I was reading and talking quietly to some girls in the row next to me. They started writing about revision on a piece of paper and putting like thoughts or something. They were passing it around the class since about 50% of us were done with orals and v bored because the teacher wouldn’t let us talk unless it was testing for orals. Idk what people wrote but I knew it was there because I saw people write it so how could I not. Then, a girl comes back from her orals and hands another girl the note. I heard ‘This is from X’ (not saying name because privacy y’know?) and the teacher started questioning the girl who had been given the note. She finally got the girl to hand it over and told the head of key stage (who is v strict and almost hated in our year). Then the teacher told the deputy head (who actually likes me because I’m smart but can be evil).

Lunchtime rolls around. And so does afternoon registration. So, we’re sitting in our places ready for the next exam, when the head of key stage comes in with a note. Everyone squirms because people in my class told me and a few others who weren’t involved to ‘own up as a form’ because it would be easy. [FYI: There are these things called ‘penalty points’ and basically are used in every empty threat, but if you get 3 in a term then that results in a detention and a letter home 😀 ], but then people started talking about penalty points. I don’t know if they were actually issued (we’ll get to why I didn’t know later), but the head of key stage was lecturing us about it, then said ‘at the end of the day, go apologise to [teacher]. It’s the decent thing to do’. I didn’t write/see what was written so I wasn’t going to go apologise. (Which is why I didn’t know because they were probably going to be issued by the teacher mentioned before) Great. All behind us now, right?

Wrong. When I got home, I texted my friend who was involved and was like ‘how did the apology go’. Apparently parents are involved so she’s not apologising. She started ranting on our group chat I have with a bunch of best friends (including the one from Matlock bath wink wink) and one of my friends who’s a year ahead was trying to figure out what was going on. She basically told me that I should have owned up and my friend who was involved started giving reasons how everyone was involved. I basically told her that the only reason she was doing that was because she needed validation and wanted to drag me down too. A bunch of my other friends joined the chat and started giving their input, to which my mental health died. So now I’m questioning myself as to whether I should apologise or not.

Other Stuff

Basically, my aunt is staying with us for a week (she’s not actually related but she’s my mom’s best friend and my dad’s ‘second wife’ (that’s what he says anyway lol)) and she is staying in exam week. if y’all didn’t know, I have anxiety and depression so my mental health is just dead all over. I really needed someone to test me on my French orals but I already bugged my dad because a bunch of stuff of mine was broken so I couldn’t ask him because he was already v mad, and MY MOM AND AUNT WERE OUT GALAVANTING AND DOING GIRL THINGS EVEN THO THEY LITERALLY HAVE BEEN DOING THAT ADKJKLFSFHSIFHFHEFH so I died yesterday. Also in the morning sometimes my mom is up at the same time as me so we get the opportunity to have chats and stuff without dying because I only get to talk to her when she comes home at like 8pm and I go to bed at 9 anyway. NOW MY AUNT IS MOOCHING off of that and basically whenever my mom and I have a deep chat that’s kinda private my aunt has to mooch and ugh. NOT TO MENTION WHEN I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY MOM AND TELL HER ABOUT MY DAY SHE MAKES ME TELL MY AUNT

Maybe I just hate people who aren’t my friends (and they only stay for like a night at most) in my house because my house is kinda like my release where I can just breathe and not have a fake persona and bubbling anger.

Reading that back I sound like a bratty moron.

Gtg die in a hole of mental death.

Chaio!

~bloggerofthebloggish 🙂

Random Thoughts

Idk what this post even is :DDDDD

I’ve become a true emo oh lord help me. I’m going to a PANIC! concert in August so I WILL POST PICS because it will be lit 🙂 (It’s also 3 days after the 4 year anniversary 😀 )

I also wanted to talk about this Stephen King quote:

AND I WAS FUMING because that’s not the philosophy of the books at all. I’m in the process of writing an in-depth comparison (it probs wont be out for a few months bc it’s v long), and that quote is just DRIPPING with falseness.

If I had to rewrite it, it would probably go something like this:

“Harry Potter is about how only inexplicable bravery will give you credit and a meaningful place in history. Twilight is society’s reality being put in front of us but we don’t like it because we’re too cowardly to accept that this is what we’re doing”.

Don’t believe me? In HP, Harry fights villains at least seven times, if not more. That’s pretty much the only reason it’s become such a successful book, because there’s a slew of characters and we want our children to grow up with an IQ above 10. Twilight strips down the reality of our society from about the 1910s-60/70s and shows what women actually did during the time. And we choose to criticise it? Only because feminism is being drilled into our heads and anyone who doesn’t support it should be ashamed. So, what are the books actually like now?

I’ll go into more detail in my comparison but that was a rant that I had for a few days bottled up.

Also, we have exams next week and I legit want to die yayayayayayayyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂

And my anxiety is getting to me really bad and I want to talk about it on here but people from school read my blog and I would probs get a detention sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I’m not sayin anything

Jus’ waiting for the sweet embrace of death and the panic concert :D:D:D:D:D:DD:D:

I’m also v scared for our schools residential trip even tho I’ve been to france with school and ive been fine

WHO WANTS ANOTHER STORY I KNOW I DO WOOP

She was always alone. Everyone stayed far away from her. The kids would veer past her as their anxiety controlled their conscience.  The adults would give her disapproving looks as she stared shamefully at the ground. Animals? When she was with animals, her soul would shine into rays of kindness. No other was like her. One of the most caring and gentle souls I had ever met was rejected by society. Nothing was wrong with her. She had no idea of the supernatural. She had no idea what demons were. She just lived her life, alone, seeking love from anything around her. She would always look like she was begging for a hug. She would hold her shoulders to comfort herself from the fear society had placed in her eyes.

I could see there was soul behind the emeralds in her eye sockets. A beautiful one. The colour of wistful air, the texture of a warm feeling. She just wanted nothing more than affection. She would slink away from anyone who looked remotely dangerous, and who can blame her? She was always alone, never seen with her parents. When someone asked her, she would just reply with ‘they’re in the bathroom’, or some shallowly believable tale. She would sit alone and hold her knees, sobbing into them for hours. And to receive what? Menacingly curious stares and tuts. She was such an innocent girl, plagued by the worst of all worlds. No matter what, she always put a brave face on and convince others of her lie. She would wreck her mind so much just so she knows others don’t have to feel the pain. Every day I walked past her and felt pushed to be just like her. Her angelic voice replaced my conscience. Whenever she would come into my youth group, I would always feed her copiously, knowing full well that may be one of the only meals she gets for the day (or week if you want to push it).

And then it happened.

I saw it.

After the youth group closed for the night, I saw her cross the street. The light was red. The man was green. There were no cars. It was safe. I saw her precious feet jog across the tarmac, my heart breaking with every step she took. Suddenly, I remember seeing a bright red sports car fly from oblivion and tear down the road. I saw her get mowed down by the car. I remember taking her to the hospital, staying with her because nobody else would. Not even the nurses.

But I saw something.

I saw a person behind the eyes. I saw a soul that could easily be a world leader.

But I also saw something else.

I saw fear. I saw rejection and hurt in her crystal eyes. I saw innocence wounded by the very people meant to nurture her.

I stayed with her for days, refusing to leave her. I knew that if I left her, she would die alone and I simply couldn’t let that happen. A six-year old shouldn’t have to go through that. If they die, they should be surrounded by weeping parents and grieving friends. Not alone with only her conscience to keep her sane. I would talk to her; tell her about all the animals she would meet in heaven. I told her that I would meet her eventually. Anything to keep her soul uplifted, I would spew out of my mouth just so she wouldn’t have to go through more pain after all she’s been through.

Then it happened.

Dying, she gave her last little smile to the world that has been so unkind.

And that was it.

The monitor beeped as I stared at it, numb. Tears streamed down my face as I held her small, cold hand, rubbing my fingers over hers. I looked out the window and opened it.

‘Why? Why did you have to do this?’

I sat next to the bed as her lifeless body lay. I gave her a hug, her cold body stabbing into my heart like a knife. I kissed her ice cold cheek and walked out, still numb all over.

‘The world will never be the same without you, Holly’.

ngl that’s my saddest story ive ever written

I read it to my parents and they cried and so did I

so I shall make you cry too

comment if u cried 😀

Chaio!

~bloggerofthebloggish 🙂