I hate feeling like this. I hate it.
Basically, as of today, my best friend has officially moved out of the country.
My best friend is moving from England to Dubai because long story short, financial problems, loss of jobs etc. I have only known her for just over a year, but throughout year 9 (8th grade), she has helped me so so much as a person. She’s the completing force in our friendship group, and when the three of us (i.e. our close close friend group) hang out together, it just feels right. Like, we don’t need any more people and we don’t need any less people. Our group was absolutely perfect. We hung out every day at school, and during the holidays we would get together at least once if it was a really short holiday. Even though I had spent more of my secondary school life without her than with her, I couldn’t even imagine how it would be without her. She balances us out perfectly; we have me who agrees with one side, my other friend who agrees with both sides, and this friend who agrees with the other side. Like, everything was perfect. And I don’t even want to begin thinking how I will cope next year with GCSEs coming to eat my ass and more academic stress put on me.
And I hate how I feel right now.
I feel absolutely numb.
I don’t know what your reaction should be when I tell you that this isn’t uncommon at all. I don’t even know if it’s healthy, but hear me out anyway.
When I feel numb, I can’t do anything pretty much. I could literally be knee deep in a task and when this feeling hits me, I suddenly drop everything I’m doing and suddenly I switch off.
Physically, I can’t do anything. My entire body feels like a weight I have to drag around and anything besides lying on my bed sounds pretty unappealing to me. And when I do lie on my bed and scroll through my phone for hours, I hate it. I want to be productive and I want to do things but I can’t. Getting out of bed seems impossible, and when I do, I’m so dizzy from lying down that I eventually get back in bed anyway.
Mentally, I can’t do anything. If you’ve read my posts about maladaptive daydreaming, you know that my imagination is extremely active. I can turn on my music and slip into a daydream world so easily that nobody can even tell. However, when I feel this way, I can’t. I start my pacing and turn my music on full volume, but nothing comes to my mind. My mind is just like a grey fuzz, and my love for creating new characters and plotlines has suddenly become nothing more than a past hobby. I want to create and I want to experience this idealised world I created for myself, but my brain just turns off and leaves me feeling even more hopeless.
Emotionally, I can’t do anything. When I’m numb, I don’t feel anything. Every time I try to feel something, my brain reminds me why I feel numb, and suddenly that emotion is discarded. I don’t laugh but I don’t cry. Every inch of my body wants me to cry, but I just can’t. I don’t want to start crying unless I know I don’t have to do anything. For example, if it’s a school night, I don’t cry unless I have a good hour in the evening of completely free time. I put work and commitments ahead of my crying time, cause I can just feel numb for a few hours because work comes first, obviously.
I hate feeling this way, because I literally can’t do anything. I have no motivation to get up, or to get ready for bed, but I still do it because I will hate myself even more if I don’t. I want to let loose and do a fake karaoke and do what I love, but my brain convinces me that I’m faking it and I shouldn’t feel this way.
And the worst part is that I don’t even know when it will hit. For example, I was cleaning out my dresser (I was literally knee-deep in clothing) and suddenly I got a text from one of my friends saying she can’t hang out. Suddenly, this numbness hit me like a train. I could physically feel my body becoming heavy, and my mind becoming grey and fuzzy, and I wanted to cry so badly, but my entire body just shut off.